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AC Firebrand vs AFC Stoke of Luck – Match Report – 25th September (Updated with Video)

Editors Note: This weeks match report is written by budding singer song writer and Firebrand resident bean counter Gordon MacLeod. As the season draws to a close Master MacLeod will hang up his boots and head off on tour to perform his solo act titled ‘One Non Blonde’. Without any further introduction…..to the bat cave / match report.


FC Firebrand Finale

AC Firebrand vs AFC Stoke of Luck

I’m writing this on the train home, wearing an ‘I was there when Russell Stafford scored’ t-shirt, this seasons must have fashion item allegedly, but the strange looks I’m getting are suggesting otherwise. Its been one of the stranger evenings of my life. But anyway, to the match report, as I’m sure you’re all eager to hear how the season finale went down…

The stage was set. The trophies bought, and given an extra special polish by Jez. A record crowd assembled: fallen hero Ed, superfan Rob, european talent scout Philipp, curious onlooker Christianne, and Russ’s girlfriend Trine, attending to see if it really was true that Russ had scored a goal or had made it up when he came proudly home on those 3 miraculous prior occasions. Sadly lucky charm Luwito was nowhere to be seen.

          FC Firebrand Finale     FC Firebrand Finale

After two warm up matches, one amongst ourselves, which saw Jason shimmy his way to a goal and then run faster in celebration than he had all season, and another against a team whose opposition failed to show, we were ready to roll against AFC stoke of luck, our rivals for the wooden spoon. Everything was going to plan, and the evening would surely head smoothly towards its inevitable conclusion – Jason spilling his pint while delivering his ‘my way’ performance (insert video links here please whoever captured it)

          FC Firebrand Finale     FC Firebrand Finale

We started well, defending solidly and countering with pace. Jack broke free and powered a stunning left foot strike into the bottom corner to give us the lead. The crowd and bench erupted into chants of ‘Zoo, zoo, zoo-lander’, and the ref and opposition collapsed into fits of laughter. Seizing on their loss of concentration, Macleod doubled the lead shortly after and firebrand were off to a flyer.

          FC Firebrand Finale     FC Firebrand Finale

And then, the game defining turning point occurred, one that sums up the misfortune that has plagued us throughout the year (yes, it wasn’t our talent or fitness that was to blame for all our losses, just plain bad luck). Lappers-Lapwood, at the heart of everything good that Firebrand had done thus far, took a shot in the nads and was temporally incapacitated.

FC Firebrand Finale

The ref wouldn’t allow a sub until play had stopped, and before we knew it the stokers were back in it at 2-1. Firebrand were reeling, Macleod hit the post when he should have scored and by half time it was all square.

I won’t dwell on the second half, we were absolute rubbish and they scored lots (9 I think) without reply, a disappointing way to end the season, but in keeping with our average goals per game record, and bringing our seasons tally to 149 (we scored 53 so just avoided the minus 100 goal difference). Even temporarily playing with 6 players as we tried to trick the ref by bringing on an extra man couldn’t halt the onslaught, and their assorted keepers kept out everything we could throw at them. Newly appointed team coach Trine concluded afterwards “when they start walking, take them off”, which spells trouble for messers Stafford and Crane if they hope to feature in future seasons.

We are a team though, for whom the motto “always look on the bright side of life” could have been written. The Staffy special t-shirts were donned, and we headed to the pub for the end of season awards and, to quote Christianne, “a hilarious evening”.

Jez mc’d the presentation of the awards (nicknamed the Staffys, such was his dominance of them, though the evening turned sour for him when the aforementioned pint spillage by Jason went all over his trophies) in great style. The shy and retiring Christianne van der Sluis was on hand to add some glamour to the occasion and present some of the prizes. A full list of winners is below, and hopefully some photos will be available on flickr before long.

          FC Firebrand Awards     FC Firebrand Awards     FC Firebrand Awards

And that’s it, our debut season is over. Those who’ve played will surely agree its been great fun, those who came to watch have rarely had such great value entertainment in all their lives. I hope that Jez and I have kept you all vaguely amused with the match reports, and assorted members of marketing with the highlights. We may have been rubbish mostly, but we’ve flown the firebrand flag with pride.

AC Firebrand 2013 Roll of Honour

FC Firebrand Awards

Most Capped Player: Russell Stafford (11 caps)
Most Shots Per Goal: Russell Stafford (189 shots per goal)
Nutmeg King: Jason Crane
Most Goals: Gordon MacLeod: 17 (2nd Leon 11 goals)
Most Hat-tricks: Gordon MacLeod & James Lapwood (2 apiece) (Also 1 each for Leon & Jason)
Most Own goals in League:  Jason Crane (for his effort v’s Dynamo Kiev in preventing a clean sheet)
Fallen Hero Award (also Bravest Defender):  Ed Jones (for going up against Gigantor v’s Living Social)
Best “Jurgen Klinsman” Dive: Ed Jones v’s Living Social
Bonecruncher Award (for defender injuring most opposition players): Ralph Wayo (1 hospitalised, 2 on crutches, 1 in sling)
Secret Keeper in another life Award: Neel Valand
Shooting from the Kick off and finally getting lucky award: James Lapwood
Goal of the Season: Jason Crane v Stoke of Luck
Individual Match Performance of the season: Leon Briars vs Stoke of Luck (4 goals)
Worst Performance of the Year: Jason Crane vs Dynamo Kiev for his own goal and subsequent self-benching
Miss of the season: Zoolander v Narrowheads (as caputured on film)
‘Have it’ Award: Marcus Costerton, for his pre-match punt into the the goal on the next pitch!
Best European Signing: Peter Orban, who caught up with Staffy’s goal tally for the season in just 2 weeks!
Most Likely to be called up to 1Direction: James Lapwood for his boy band every girl loves him look
Best Cameo (1 game 1 victory): Stefano Capaldo

Season Stats:

Appearances

Goals

Gordon

9

17

Stef

2

0

Jason

11

5

Jez

8

0

Jack

9

2

James

6

7

Ed

3

2

Oskar

1

0

Leon

7

11

Nick

2

2

Neel

6

0

Ralph

7

0

Russell

11

3

Frank

1

0

Marcus

6

2

Peter

4

2

Reece

1

0

Paul D

1

0

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This entry was posted on September 26, 2013 by in Sport and tagged , , , , .
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