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AC Firebrand v Roddjyjaegerbombs – Match Report Weds 31st July

This weeks match report is brought to you by Firebrand’s resident Bean counter and part time Comedian, our very own Highlander…..Gordon MacLeod. It’s important to note, Gordon puts his HR duties aside so he can accurately describe in scathing fashion the true events that form the basis of current match reports match reports. 

Before we start let’s take a poll….

Having taken 3 matches to get their first win under the belts, the legends of AC Firebrand were once again hoping it would be third time lucky, as they sought to end their losing streak against the high-flying, and excellently named ‘Roddyjaeger bombs’.

Despite recent form and the apparent strength of the opposition, the Firebrand team were confident of springing a surprise, particularly with top scorer Macleod available again. Team selection was however thrown into chaos on Monday morning when team keeper Jez ‘the cat’ Warren didn’t arrive for work. It transpired though that Jez won’t be around for some time as he’s off on some sort of overseas trip. Who knew?

(editors note: you can check out the Jez and Beego Sexcellent Adventure blog to follow Jez ‘the cat’ Warren as he “discovers” himself whilst travelling across America. Be warned, so far it’s worth a miss #justsayin)

This may pay dividends for the team in the long-term, when he returns from the USA having doubled his body weight, meaning he’ll quite literally fill the goal, but for now it meant that MacLeod would have to start the game in goal, a blatant ploy from manager Jason Crane to stop him increasing his lead in the golden boot if ever there was one. Also in the line up this week were Zoolander Hoadley, proudly boasting pre-match that the team had won every game he had played in, Wayne Rooney wannabe Russell Stafford, from a goalscoring perspective of course, though if he can land a big enough commission some time he’s not ruling out the hair transplant (yes – I know, glasshouses, stones etc), Ralph ‘Michael Jordan’ Wayo, mixing his basketball nous with no little footballing skill, and  starting on the bench the better late than never Neel  Valandt. Once again, a line-up over-reliant on experience than youthful fitness, zoolander aside.

So to the match, and In an attempt to keep things interesting i’ll summarise things Sky Sports style with some match stats and key highlights, though sadly not in video form due to the waning commitment to the team of Messrs Jones and Beltran of Marketing.

Match Stats






Flowing passing moves



Attempts at goal



Shooting accuracy



Firebrand tally increases to over 50% once certain individuals are removed from the stats – see below
Free kicks won



Nutmegs & Shimmys



Exclusively delivered for Firebrand by the Everyoung Jason Crane
Tackles won



Almost exclusively delivered for Firebrand by Ralph
Final Score



As if I’m going to tell you that this early in the report, if you’ve made it this far you’ll make it to the end

So, looking like a pretty close match…

First half highlights

  • Several flowing moves from firebrand, the best of which sees the jaegerbombs keeper tip a Stafford strike on to the post
  • Macleod pulls off a string of saves, but can’t stop them all
  • Ralph is everywhere in defence, winning the ball to set up attack after attack for Firebrand
  • Crane shimmies and nutmegs through the jaegers seemingly at will, Jack and Neel are following his example with some silky touches, but everyone’s finishing is wayward and Firebrand fail to trouble the scorers
  • Jaeger bombs lead at half time

Second half highlights

  • Crane relents and allows Macleod out field. Macleod scores with virtually his first touch following great work from Ralph.
  • A flowing team move sees Hoadley set up a second goal for Firebrand & MacLeod. Game on.
  • New keeper Neel is inspired and pulls off a string of wonder saves. Firebrand are rampant and the jaegerbombs rattled.
  • Stafford is put through clean on goal. “This is your moment staffy” shouts Jason. Russell misses. And repeat x 3. Russell begs Jason post match to stop putting him off.
  • Jason hits a shot so slowly that the keeper is momentarily confused and it nearly bounces over him, after he’s completed his dive a good 5 seconds before the ball reaches him
  • The firebrand team continue with flowing passing, but can’t beat the keeper, and a lack of fitness sees the younger and fitter Jaegerbombs side score a few more to edge closer to victory.
  • Staffy misses another golden chance

And another

Post match Quotes Quiz

Correctly guess who said the following about the match and win a top prize. Answers at bottom of report.

A: “If only we’d had a regular keeper for the whole match. That Jez is a selfish little #*^% isn’t he?”

B: “We played some lovely stuff at times and things are looking up. If only we were all (apart from jack), ten years younger, we’d have taken them”

C: “I took an elbow to the face that’s knocked a tooth loose, I’m worried my my modelling days may be over now”

D: “Who wants a £100 bet on how many goals I’ll score the rest of the season?”

And so that pretty much sums it up. Oh, the score? 12 (yes, twelve)-2 to them in the end (5-0 at half time) but as I’m sure you can tell from the above, that doesn’t really tell the true story. 5 losses out of 6 may leave us bottom of the table, but our spirit remains strong and we’ll be back next week for more. Stay tuned.



Quiz Answers:

A: Gordon Macleod, and I should add that as Head of HR I’m introducing a new rule that sabbaticals may not be taken during firebrand football season.

B: Jason Crane, drawing from the Jez Warren school of optimism

C: Who else but Zoolander Hoadley, if you got this one wrong, where have you been for the past month?

D: Russell Stafford. A queue of eager punters has already formed, ready to bet on the under. Bookmakers have put the spread at 3.5-4.5 goals.

If you correctly guessed 3 or more of the quotes, then congratulations, you’ve won 2 exclusive tickets to the VIP seats at the AC Firebrand match of your choice. Prize includes travel in style to the venue with the team and even have a drink with them afterwards to help them drown their sorrows/celebrate a miraculous victory.


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This entry was posted on August 1, 2013 by in Opinion, Sport and tagged , , , , .
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