From Blade

Like a boss

My Stupidest Footballers XI – by Nick Bere (aka Blade)

Author Introduction (from Blade): I am delighted to introduce to you my long standing compadre Master Nicholas Bere, aka Gordon Ramsey, Wayne Rooney, Matt Damon, that guy from X-Men Who Freezes shit, Matt Smith ans so on… (he looks like a love child between the 5). This is Nicks first experience of writing for “from Blade” and I bloody love it. Great Article.

I think we can all agree intelligence is relative, while it is probably stretching it saying sports men and women at the very top of their game are in the same league as the Einstein’s of this world, there is a lot to admire in the sporting “intelligence” of say Messi, Jack Nicklaus or Lance Armstrong (jokes). However there are, especially in football, a large number of sports people who you really have to question whether their brains are connected to their bodies at all.

While not the most original idea in the world I feel that with Joey Barton yet again making the news for all the wrong reasons, with his, frankly, idiotic use of Twitter (@joey7barton – the 7 is for IQ) over the last month it is as good a time as ever to put together my Stupidest Footballers XI.

I appreciate people will have different opinions on this and may question why all of these players are from 90’s to current times and all have played in the English leagues. However my knowledge of football before the 90’s is pretty weak, there are way too many choices anyway and I thought it would be good to focus on players that most people will have a decent knowledge of. I have also stuck to a traditional formation, which while making it slightly more difficult gives it a bit more structure.

Feel free to add your thoughts and suggestions but here we go:

GK – David James

I actually think Goalkeeper is one of the more difficult options but with his unbelievably stupid hair styles over the years and TV remote related injury I think David James takes the no.1 jersey for me. I think most importantly I cannot remember a GK in my time make such a large number of absolute clangers, it’s hard to choose a highlight but the one while playing for Bristol City against Watford is an absolute shocker. He is also reported to have blamed playing too many computer games for a dip in form earlier in his career.

RB – Jamie Carragher

I’ll be honest and say he probably doesn’t deserve to be on this list (Glen Johnson would be a more appropriate choice) however as Carra is retiring this season and is a legend of the game I thought it fitting to include him for just the sheer number of own goals he has scored in his Liverpool career. I can’t say I love the man but fair play on showing loyalty does still exist in football and for scoring a record 8 own goals I salute you.

CB – John Terry

I think it says a lot about Chelsea fans that they still hold him in such high regard but this man must be missing a few brain cells. Whether it is being a racist or sleeping with his best mate’s wife he really does know how to get in the papers for all the wrong reasons. It almost seems cruel to England fans that he is actually a damn talented footballer but at the end of the day what an all round muppet.

John Terry

CB – Rio Ferdinand

Again great footballer but really not got a lot going on upstairs which I think is best demonstrated with his 9 month suspension for forgetting to attend a drugs test. But just to show he hasn’t matured in any way the more recent Choc Ice comment and going to be a commentator in the Middle East after withdrawing from the England squad to continue his fitness regime are great examples of why he made my XI

LB – Ashley Cole (Captain)

If someone told you over the last 7-8 years that a footballer had done something silly then Cole would always be the best bet to be the guilty party. Not just cheating on Cheryl Cole but it seemed like he was trying to get caught how he did it. Shooting a kid with an air rifle is just a little bit special and he also is no stranger to visiting a police cell with speeding and abusing behaviour on his stupidity CV. I have made him my captain for all these reasons.

Cheryl Cole

RM – Jermaine Pennant

Must be one of the only footballers to wear an electronic tag while playing in the PL for Liverpool after being convicted of drunk driving in 2005. But I think most amusingly he left his Porsche at a Spanish train station for 5 months and later claimed he did not even remember owning it! Just classic

CM – Joey Barton

Where do you start? This guy is just a horrible human being who must be one of the most undeserving people of the wealth and fame he has achieved. Taking away his Twitter account would be doing the world a service. If only Vinnie Jones or any member of the Crazy Gang was around to put him in his place.

CM – Julian Joachim

Julian was only allowed a VISA Electron card by his bank manager as he couldn’t be trusted with anything else. Bear in mind that at this time he was earning over £10,000 a week while at Aston Villa and could only take out money by going into to the bank he would still constantly go into the bank to check his balance regardless of how little he had spent last time round to see if he could afford his next purchase to the great amusement to the bank staff.

LM – Adrian Mutu

Banned  and sacked not once but twice for failing drug tests! Firstly and most famously for doing cocaine (great call as a professional sportsman) at Chelsea but he was also found guilty of taking a banned substance in 2010 by Fiorentina.

ST – Mario Balotelli

I really don’t feel great about including him on this list as it is hard not to find him slightly likeable but for all his talent he is a muppet. Most recently he was fined by AC Milan for smoking in train toilet while on his way to Florence and has also been suspended for abusive behaviour toward the referee. The Mario show at Man City kept us all entertained over the last few years but I can’t help but conclude that he is more idiot than genius.

Mario Balotelli

ST – Stan Collymore

Generally just a complete thug; from punching Ulrika Jonsson in 1998 to being arrested in 2007 for threatening to kill his wife and burn down her parent house among other altercations throughout his career. I think most amusingly he was accused of dogging in 2004 by News of the World (always a reliable source) and lost his job at the BBC as a result.


ST – Marlon King

I was tempted to put him in instead of Mario but as he is probably slight less high profile he didn’t make the starting XI but wanted to mention him as he is everything  a role model should not be. Most famously he was convicted of Sexual Assault and ABH in 2008 and I find it unbelievable that he is still playing football in the second tier of English football. The most amusing/stupid conviction he has received must be for driving his “mate’s” stolen BMW.


So there you have it folks a collection of 12 footballing idiots for you to admire.


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